You’ve been betrayed...
You’ve tried everything in the book to try to fix it...
You’re doing more, trying to keep everything calm, just so it will go away...
...and it’s not working.
You still feel stuck, lonely, tired and afraid...just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
You also have days where you get glimpses of the marriage you long for....
Reminders of the man you truly love and how good and wonderful he is...
You feel connected at times and love your life together...
So how do these things reconcile? How can you find healing?
Understand what trauma is
The first thing to understand is that you are dealing with betrayal trauma. Your husband’s behaviors have nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn’t do. They were his choices. And for sure they have an impact on you, but you DID NOT cause his addiction. AND you cannot cure it.
What you CAN do is find healing for yourself by...
...letting go of control,
...surrendering the outcome of your life and your marriage to the Lord,
...and focus on finding healing FOR yourself, from your betrayal trauma.
How you show up and how your life has been affected by your husband’s pornography and sex addiction is because you are dealing with betrayal trauma, and it is important to understand the symptoms of trauma to be able to have more compassion with yourself as you seek healing.
For me, the effects of trauma on my life included yelling at my kids more, feeling like I always had to have the house clean to eliminate his stress, giving up my self-care time, isolating from friends and family, crying out of nowhere, not being able to keep track of life...
Any of those resonate with you?
If that’s the case, then you have trapped trauma that you need to heal. And it’s not your fault.
Betrayal trauma is your body and brain’s NATURAL response when betrayal happens. Your brain is designed to protect you, so after any traumatic experience--no matter how large or small--your brain will do everything it can to help you remember that experience and keep it from happening again. Trauma is stored on a cellular level in your brain, body and heart. So it is essential to look at healing it from that perspective.
And the cool thing is...it’s NOT UP TO YOU. Jesus Christ is the Master Healer and HE has the ability to heal your heart right now. You can do simple things. Right here. Right now.
The healing that is available to you through Christ and through becoming more in tune to yourself, learning about the wounds you have (and had even before marriage), and rediscovering WHO and WHOSE you truly are is SO incredible.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to be strong enough.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You get to show up.
You get to be where you’re at. (Even if it’s angry)
And you get to take the next right step.
Stop trying to do it all on your own. It’s not up to you to save your marriage. And it never was.
It’s up to you to create the most beautiful life possible with the Lord.
He wants you to find healing.
He wants you to have an exciting, wonderful, loving relationship.
He loves you as you are.
There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You are enough right now.
It’s a matter of remembering that and unburrying your beautiful, whole heart from all the lies, fear, discouragement, expectations and ideas that you have to do it all on your own.
It’s time to release your grip of fear and control and open up your heart to the healing that is waiting for you.