You've been what?

You've been what?

You’ve been betrayed...

You’ve tried everything in the book to try to fix it...

You’re doing more, trying to keep everything calm, just so it will go away...

...and it’s not working.

You still feel stuck, lonely, tired and afraid...just waiting for the next shoe to drop.


You also have days where you get glimpses of the marriage you long for....

Reminders of the man you truly love and how good and wonderful he is...

You feel connected at times and love your life together...

So how do these things reconcile? How can you find healing?

Understand what trauma is

The first thing to understand is that you are dealing with betrayal trauma. Your husband’s behaviors have nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn’t do. They were his choices. And for sure they have an impact on you, but you DID NOT cause his addiction. AND you cannot cure it.

What you CAN do is find healing for yourself by... 

...letting go of control,

...surrendering the outcome of your life and your marriage to the Lord,

...and focus on finding healing FOR yourself, from your betrayal trauma.

How you show up and how your life has been affected by your husband’s pornography and sex addiction is because you are dealing with betrayal trauma, and it is important to understand the symptoms of trauma to be able to have more compassion with yourself as you seek healing. 

For me, the effects of trauma on my life included yelling at my kids more, feeling like I always had to have the house clean to eliminate his stress, giving up my self-care time, isolating from friends and family, crying out of nowhere, not being able to keep track of life...

Any of those resonate with you?

If that’s the case, then you have trapped trauma that you need to heal. And it’s not your fault. 

Betrayal trauma is your body and brain’s NATURAL response when betrayal happens. Your brain is designed to protect you, so after any traumatic experience--no matter how large or small--your brain will do everything it can to help you remember that experience and keep it from happening again. Trauma is stored on a cellular level in your brain, body and heart. So it is essential to look at healing it from that perspective.

Think if you had just been attacked by a tiger....your brain would store that memory as trauma energy, so that the next time anything happened that resembles the situation, it would trigger the memory and response in your body to protect you.

That is what you're dealing with in your life if your husband has betrayed you through pornography and sexual addiction behaviors. 

Knowing this is hard to acknowledge, but it also give you a lot of POWER! Why? Because trauma is something you can heal from! It's not about waiting for your husband to change or for "his problem" to go away before you feel happy again. YOU can find healing for you. Right now. :)

Find healing through Jesus Christ

And the cool thing’s NOT UP TO YOU. Jesus Christ is the Master Healer and HE has the ability to heal your heart right now. You can do simple things. Right here. Right now. 

The healing that is available to you through Christ and through becoming more in tune to yourself, learning about the wounds you have (and had even before marriage), and rediscovering WHO and WHOSE you truly are is SO incredible. 

You don’t have to be perfect. 

You don’t have to be strong enough. 

You don’t have to have it all figured out.

You get to show up.

You get to be where you’re at. (Even if it’s angry)

And you get to take the next right step.

Stop trying to do it all on your own. It’s not up to you to save your marriage. And it never was. 

It’s up to you to create the most beautiful life possible with the Lord. 

He wants you to find healing.

He wants you to have an exciting, wonderful, loving relationship.

He loves you as you are.

There is nothing wrong with you. There never was. You are enough right now.

It’s a matter of remembering that and unburrying your beautiful, whole heart from all the lies, fear, discouragement, expectations and ideas that you have to do it all on your own. 

It’s time to release your grip of fear and control and open up your heart to the healing that is waiting for you.

Doors are open right now for my 7-week course on healing from betrayal trauma "Saved by Grace." If this is something you need in your life, if you want to feel joyful and happy again, if you want change in your life and in your marriage and you are willing to open your heart, then register now before doors close. You'll get one-on-one support from me throughout your journey and find the healing and peace you need. 

You're doing it right

You're doing it right

If you're doing it wrong, then you're doing it right.

Read that again. And think about it.

If you're doing it wrong, then you're doing it right.

Wait what?

Yep. If you are making mistakes, doing things wrong, and struggling, then you are doing it right! 

Life was never designed to be a place where you would do everything perfectly and never mess up. So if you're messing up out the wazoo, then you are right on track!

All those thoughts and beliefs about how you "have to be the perfect one", "have it all together", "never ask for help", "figure it out yourself", "fix the problem", "just be strong enough"....LIES. 

You are here on this earth to grow and fail and LEARN so is EVERYONE ELSE. Me included! We are all having EXPERIENCES. Real, raw, messy, wonderful experiences. :)

God is not waiting up in heaven with a sledgehammer to whack you on the head anytime you mess up! Or waiting for you to have all your to-do list checked off before you show up and talk to Him. He is full of love, delight and excitement as He watches you learn and grow. And He wants to be with you in ALL of the experiences you are having. 

This includes experiencing emotions like sadness, anger, joy, heartbreak and experiencing tasks like dishes, laundry, diaper can invite Him into ALL of it and feel connected to Him wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Have you ever invited God to do the dishes with you? I'll tell you it's a lot more fun that way. :)

He WANTS to do life with you. He wants to be a part of the day to day. And He knows you will yell at your kids, or feel too tired to read scriptures, or miss showering for three days in a row...He gets it. AND He loves you anyway.

God is the perfect example of providing space for us to be where we are at. He honors us and loves us regardless of the choices we are making. He provides space. AND He invites us to live in a deeper relationship with Him that requires more intentional effort, that requires choosing Him everyday instead of negative thoughts or behaviors. I have found that He is never condemning and ever inviting.

He sees you where you are at and He loves you. Right here. Right now. Messy bun, leggings and all. :)

He doesn't want you to try to figure it out on your own. He doesn't want you to feel the pressure of fixing everything and everyone around you. In fact...that's His job. :)

So instead of beating yourself up to try to "force" yourself to grow, try taking a step back with the Lord and ask Him to tell you what He thinks about you. Ask Him to tell you who you are. 

Take a minute, grab a piece of paper or open the notes section on your phone and just ask Him...what do you love about me? And then listen and believe what He has to say. :)

P.S. Watch out for the doubts that will come after. I'll call those out right now as BS and attacks of the adversary. He does not love you. He is totally fine with you berating yourself. He is a LIAR. So hold to the message you receive from the Lord and read it over and over, and tell the adversary to pack his bags and head out!